Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
