Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
i've created a new STD.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
