connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
