dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
