there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
