im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
