If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
