Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
