I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
