I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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