Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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