she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
