I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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