No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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