I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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