i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
