I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
