I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
