we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
he thought i was a dude.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
