Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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