you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
