I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
