This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
