Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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