i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
