genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
