I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My vagina is officially offended.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
