took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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