you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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