I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
