If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
