You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
