Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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