I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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