He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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