Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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