Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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