All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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