yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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