I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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