Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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