Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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