Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
