you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
