honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
