Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
your room smells of hookers.
And success
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
