Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
