when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
