I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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