I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
