I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize