he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
