She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
