Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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