My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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