I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
