why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize