my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
