I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
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