were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
