Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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