hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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